Review: Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull

This review contains spoilers, I guess. 

I LOVE The Last Crusade. It is one of the movies that you should not watch with me unless you love people saying lines right before they happen, and little "eeeee!!!" noises all through the hours. I am only annoying fangirl like that with Dead Poet's Society and State and Main, but nothing is as bad. Examples of little girl explosions:

"We're turning around, they're taking us back to Germany"

Vintage dirt bikes with sidecars!

World War II Tanks!

X marks the spot!

Nazis! (I have a theory all movies with Nazis are good, including Illinois Nazis)

"The penitent man shall pass."

(not) dying off the cliff.

The leap of faith.

I LOVE it, ok?

So I saw the new movie by myself, but my dad warned me on the phone right before I should look away when ants start crawling on people. (He loves me!)  My herpephobic  friend did not appreciate the snake/rope conundrum but I did find it amusing that Indy kept getting a snake in his face. 

Ok. Neutral things: I thought Shia said his name was Mud, not Mutt. I don't know why he was on a motorcycle out of the mist at the train station, but whatever. a lot of combing hair, was cute when he prepared to die that way. A little less swordplay than I was expecting, thought it would come in later, not so early. In the end, it didn't matter whether his friend was double or triple, he was greedy and in the end that's what got him, not being a traitor, so I wish it wasn't such a big deal when it doesn't affect anything except make him look more and less evil depending on the scene. Which again, doesn't matter. 

Weird unnecessary confusing bullshit: 

The skull itself reminded me of clear plastic 3-D puzzles that I have no tolerance from. It is magnetic, and natives and ants fear it. It is crystal but sturdy enough to be used to clobber someone over the head when in a bag. And all of this is answered with: alien technology.  As annoying as "mystery of God" answer.

Indy does not need to look deep in the eyes to understand his friend, he's BRILLIANT anyway, dammit. He understood the ancient riddle before, and realizing his friend needed paper didn't take an alien genius.

Groundhogs in the beginning. Why? It was awkward, it was not a metaphore for the chase and they were not endearing.

The line at the end. "Well, the word for gold translates as treasure. But their treasure wasn't gold, it was knowledge. Knowledge was their treasure." What a terrible redundant fretarded quote. Someone needs to hire me for copy editing, and fast.

The establishing shot for the cemetery. was. a. model. with. flashing. lights. It was so obvious, I could not believe it. I had to downgrade my standards to youtube quality effects because I can't believe that's what Hollywood allowed to go through to the final cut. MAN it looked like a tiny model. I would not have been surprised if someone's hand or food was in the shot, gigantic in proportion. Terrible terrible, no suspension of disbelief.

There were no hammer and sickles placed obviously around. Irina had one on the back of her jacket, but its only because I was looking the whole time that I found it.

Mind control is hawt, but Irina did not use it at all during the movie to any advantage. The skull did things, but she did NOT. booo false advertising. Also apparently knowledge sets you on fire. I would have rather that she learned everything and killed herself. Or they killed her because they realize she is evil. But not continually asking for knowledge and then combusting.

Whatever. It was ok. Lucas may live.